Preventing Unnecessary Conflicts

Every day, I notice more conflict and polarization than at any other time in my long life. Much of it feels unnecessary—and deeply destructive. It blinds us to creative possibilities for addressing the accelerating ecological crises, rising social instability, the dehumanization of others—especially people of color and women—and the exponential growth of artificial intelligence.

Unnecessary conflicts arise from chaotic or poorly designed processes: free-for-all town meetings, premature focus on solutions before defining shared problems or goals, and procedural maneuvers that shut down thoughtful conversation. They also emerge in combative interactions where people assert the rightness of their positions, fail to listen, and demean one another.

In these moments, something shifts. A potentially generative exchange of ideas within a life-giving social field becomes a struggle for self-protection. The conversation moves from engagement to defense. The primitive brain takes over, and our capacity for civil dialogue disappears. We create a destructive social field.

These dynamics are amplified by social media, news cycles, pundits, and political rhetoric that feed confirmation bias. We seek out—and are fed—what reinforces what we already believe.

So what can we do? How might awareness of the energy and information within and around us—the fields we inhabit—help prevent unnecessary conflict?

Relational Intelligence

Field awareness invites us to cultivate relational intelligence—the capacity to navigate relationships with skill, awareness, and care.

At its core is a deep knowing that we are profoundly interconnected. From this awareness, we can begin to hold our beliefs, perspectives, and values more lightly. As many Buddhist teachers ask, “Is that so?”

How do we offer our unique gifts while remaining grounded in our belonging to a larger whole? As Suzuki Roshi said, “Not one, not two.”

Always Part of a Larger Reality

Realizing that we are always participants in a larger social field, a larger reality, calls us to share our perspectives while recognizing we do not hold exclusive rights to truth.

When we cling tightly to our positions, we amplify separation and isolation. This not only fuels unnecessary conflict—it undermines our collective ability to improve life for all, including the Earth itself.

So how do we engage across difference in ways that foster inclusion and justice—locally, regionally, and globally?

Here are four essential keys.

Four Keys to Relational Intelligence

1. Self-Management

Managing oneself begins with awareness of your inner landscape—your personal field. It means noticing when you are becoming reactive and tending to that reactivity before it takes over.

This creates space to access deeper wisdom—from your body, heart, and mind—as well as from others, nature, and the larger cosmos. It is perhaps the most challenging practice, and it requires ongoing commitment. For me, embodied meditation is foundational.

2. Practicing Foundational Skills

Listening Actively

This may be the most underutilized skill on the planet—especially among leaders.

Active listening includes three essential elements:

(1) Listening to understand rather than to rebut

(2) Reflecting back what you hear to ensure accuracy

(3) Asking open-ended questions with genuine curiosity.

These practices help create a life-giving social field. They foster connection and belonging, which in turn reduce reactivity and open the door to more thoughtful interactions.

Speaking Inclusively

We all have perspectives we want to share. But when we are triggered, sharing becomes persuading.

Speaking inclusively invites others in. It sounds like:

“The way I see it is… How do you see it?”

“This is what I believe. I’d like to hear what you believe.”

This shift transforms conversation from debate into shared inquiry.

3. Being a Participating Observer

This involves engaging fully while also observing what is happening—within yourself, within others, and within the group as a whole.

Everything is process, whether we acknowledge it or not.

By naming what you observe in a neutral, non-judgmental way, you help bring awareness to the group dynamic. For example, simply noting that people are interrupting one another often interrupts the behavior itself.

This role is essential for recognizing when a social field becomes destructive—and for taking responsibility to help restore it.

4. Tending the Whole Situation

The most complex challenge is to hold all of the above while also attending to the larger context.

This includes the organizational or community history, current tensions, and broader environment, as well as the physical setting in which interactions occur. Whether we meet in nature, a conference room, or a formal institutional space—all influence the relational field.

What environments support connection rather than conflict?

I am indebted to the pioneering work of Mary Parker Follett, who, in the 1930s, articulated the importance of both the participating observer and attending to the whole situation. I think of her as an early—and often unrecognized—social psychologist.

​​The four keys outlined here are not quick fixes. They are practices—foundational capacities that enable us to move beyond unnecessary conflict and toward more constructive, life-giving ways of being together.

In a world facing profound challenges, this is not optional. It is essential.

More information about the Four Keys to Relational Intelligence, are available in Space Is Not Empty: How Hidden Fields Are Shaping Your Life and Our World that I co-authored with Alan Briskin or in Talk Matters! Saving the World One Word at a Time.